sometime in July i let the hair on my head keep growing now i have headaches
lately, i have been sparing thoughts about the idea of having a conscience. i have never been unkind as a person, no never, but having a conscience is a different matter. black is my happy color. i have to let my dreadlocks see a decade at least. alcohol is now out of the question. no way i'm giving up smoking anytime soon. we need new tattoos. i dislike the idea of having more than three or seven shoes and clothing items at a time. i did this thing of letting go of every book we read in the past which should be at least a thousand and restarted a journey towards reading ten thousand books by the time we turn 60, if we live long enough. i joined social media this year, it has been overwhelming and eye opening at the same time. i miss my friend - he died recently, but it's not the death that hurts me the most, it's the permanence of the whole thing. my eyesight seems to be getting worse and lately, like i said, i have been sparing thoughts about the idea of having a conscience.
you can see why i have headaches. light and heavy headaches — my human body is having to simulate a lot. but i am not alone.
the other day i received an idea to write about a child that returned (was born) and lived for just 364 days and i realized that child was me. i have not written anything about it yet but i received the idea the other day.
sent you out for 7 days
you chose to stay 8 days
you must not die
stay, so, but comeback
comeback, comeback
God does not rest in you anymore
you took the sabbath day and turned it into tonight.
i scribbled that down on paper though, and i think they are connected.
can you imagine dying while you are still alive? of course you can, think of the four different types of suicide which Emile Durkheim identified - egoistic suicide, altruistic suicide, anomic suicide and fatalistic suicide. those are nothing. let me tell you about a different kind - psychological pseudo suicide or pseudo psychological suicide, whichever way, english language provides inefficient descriptors. actually i cannot tell you more about it right now, we will have to discuss that at a later time but yes it involves cutting off a lot of things which are largely rooted in one's reality and might result in permanent disassociation with certain people, places and things. it is as permanent as death. i have to go. as you can probably tell, i am not very good at journalling. clearly i am not normal.
First published by Roi Fainéant Press, the Pressiest Press that Ever Pressed! (2021)
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